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20121130
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, that is a cheese steak, why would you mut avocado on a cheese stake. what did they vote, a tax exempt stat to us weirdoes on the bourd walk with snakes on a shoulder, cupcakes must have at least 3% kale. >> dmal call voters agreed to pay more in sales tax and more in income tax for high earners to help close what governor jerry brown calls a $34 billion state budget cap. >> oh. california actually deciding to start trying to pay for some of the [bleep] they want to do. my baby's growing up. (laughter) any other referendum. >> 53% of california voters rejected a referendum that would have abolished the death penalty. >> what's up, california. paying your bills, thinning the herd. you are your turning into your dad! next thing you know everybody is going to have to wear a condom in california. >> this los angeles voters decided it that male porn stars must wear condoms during filming. (laughter) so in los angeles you guys focus group everything? are all porn decisions community-based. should the music in porn have so much bass. are we doing too many scenes out by the pool, yes or no. how many guys
will be joining us on the show. [cheering and applause] and then tomorrow night it's president barack obama. but still... [laughter] these people get to... [cheering and applause] nate silver, the president of statistician-stan. as you know, last night the presidential cam pan headed to hofstra university where the candidates debated from a diverse crowd hard of long islanders ranging from italian guys to other italian guys to a jewish guy and his mom. [laughter] such diversity in long island. the first question somehow ended up on the auto industry rescue. >> i know you keep saying, you want to take detroit bankrupt. well, the president took detroit bankrupt. you took general motors bankrupt. you took chrysler bankrupt. that was pre-sizely what i recommended and ultimately what happened. >> jon: okay. in fact, obama's publicly financed detroit auto industry managed bankruptcy is not precisely what romney recommended. romney precisely recommended private credit, which at the time was to be precise non-existent. meaning under his plan detroit's bankruptcy would have been unmanaged and quite
. but let's get to our show! the noted author and inventor neil young is going to be joining us. (cheers and applause) we begin tonight with the attacks on the u.s. consulate in benghazi, libya. it was a tragic situation where american lives were lost and in the three months since the attack, legitimate questions of adequate embassy security, americas overall advocacy in fighting the war on terror and the intricate dance between national security confidentiality and the public's right to know have all been distilled down, thrown out and replaced with this one urgent conclusion concerning current u.s. ambassador to united nations susan rice. >> i will do everything in my power to black her from being the united states secretary of state. she's not qualified. >> jon: that's senator john mccain continuing his seven year quest to negate every good thing he'd ever done prior to that. (laughter) this time leading the charge to preempt as an of now hypothetical obama nomination for secretary of state to replace hillary clinton. why? because five days after the benghazi attacks, susan rice went
about this? >> law enforcement and multiple u.s. officials tell nbc news that emails between him and paula broadwell, his biography were indicative of an extra marital affair. >> jon: really? email? all they had to do to nab america's spy-master general is log to his email? we can intrigue that little sound bite up a little bit? >> law enforcement and multiple u.s. officials tell abc news that emails between him and paula broadwell his biographer were indicative of an extra marital affair. >> jon: how exciting. wait. ( cheers and applause ) the woman involved is petraeus' biographer paula broadwell. why does that name seem so familiar to me? please welcome to the program paula broadwell. no, no, that's not it. oh, wait. that is it. by the way, in case anyone out there thought i may have actual journalist instincts, i give you a quick snippet of my interview. >> he's a very high-energy person. he loves serving. he loves to be in the arena >> i thought i would test him but he would test me. >> crushed his pelvis. it was back in the swimming pool. from a mentoring point of view want
for tuning in. we are on on a friday night t is very unusual for us. and i'm-- let's just-- here's the-- i'm the-- here's the fact. this has been a long week. we are on the road, away from our families, the people here in tampa have been very nice, very hospitable, but let's face facts. it is hotter than a gorilla's anus. (laughter) (applause) >> jon: although, to be fair to gorillas-- (laughter) -- that is a dry heat. (applause) the worst part of this town-- the worst part of this town, you can't even sit down to take a break from the unrelenting heat because the moment you form any kind of lap in the tampa-st. pete area, you are set upon by those who seek to dance upon said lap. (cheers and applause) >> jon: do you know-- do you know how hard it is to get money down in tampa that does not have body glitter on it? (laughter) i was admittedly a little down last night, from being here this whole week, a little disspirited. and then-- no, no-- and then it happened. yes! amidst the tired rhetoric, empty platitudes and overwrought attacks, a fistful of awesome! (laughter) emerged in the night
jason sudeikis is going to be joining us later. it was just one week ago tonight that barack obama won reelection to the presidency ending a heated political campaign and hopefully setting the stage for the healing that this country so desperately needs. >> the white house has received online petitions from not so proud americans in 20 states who would like to secede from the union. (laughter) wait! i'm not sure exactly which 20 states those are or which people in those 20 state bus i think i can best express how i feel about these states and people in the word of the great william wonka. >> (flatly) stop, don't, come back. (cheers and applause) >> jon: at least now i'm beginning to understand why southern states were so hesitant to get rid of the confederate flag. it's like keeping your fat pants after you lose some weight. (laughter) you're happy for now with the new you but pretty soon you're going to need those fat pants again. there's pizza in staten island and -- i'm not surprised. we were warned reelect that obama would have dire consequences for our union, for our standing in t
things would be different!ld be d that son of a bitch lied to us!ied to i knew i should have voted for mccain! have ragh! captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey, welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. our guest journalist martha raddatz will be here, moderator and the winner of this year's vice presidential debate. a very rough weekend in the tri-state area. i'm sure by now you've all seen pictures of the damage. here's something you might want to look at. these are marathon runners who channeled their disappointment in the cancellation of the marathon into volunteering to help storm clean-up. ( cheers and applause ) it was very, very moving. it's enough to make you not that annoyed by marathon runners. not quite. obviously all donations still greatly appreciated. the sandy relief fund dot-org. your i-tunes dot-com slash red cross. you have your united way n
did use performance enhancing drugs, so did all the other prophets. but i didn't. so what have we learned, from this great wristband theft? maybe... that when stripped of our scauses, only causes are left. and causes shouldn't be worn on our wrists with a sneer. let's keep our causes where they belong, which is right here. on t-shirts! free pussy riot! [cheers and applause] - free pussy riot! boys: yeah! - yay! from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the daily show with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey, welcome to the daily show. my name is jon stewart. we have a good one tonight. our guest journalist martha raddatz will be here, moderator and the winner of this year's vice presidential debate. a very rough weekend in the tri-state area. i'm sure by now you've all seen pictures of the damage. here's something you might want to look at. these are marathon runners who channeled their disappointment in the cancellation of the marathon into volunteering to help storm clean-up. ( cheers and applau
they go into the polls >> ulna... honor. leadership. nachos. yeah, what word are we going to use? >> nachos how often? all the time so describe the school using a nacho metaphor >> nachos, the school is like nacho cheese. more nourishing and you can't get enough of it. >> reporter: as the pearlman campaign seized the momentum jason desperately searched for a celebrity to give zablo campaign a boost >> i need a big-time actor, any super hero would be great. oh, really? would he do it >> reporter: but time was running out because with debate afternoon finally here for the candidates, it was game time. ♪ >> it is with great pleasure that i introduce kyle pearlman and lauren zablo. >> my name is lauren zablo and i am running to be your student council president. i've been in student council since sixth grade so i will make every effort snts >> reporter: while lauren went with substance, the pearlman took a different approach >> hello, my fellow americans. i can see i'm the only one wearing played today >> i'm sorry to see that i'm the only one wearing a flag pin today. this electio
gets reelected. joining us now is zane tankel, he runs i think 42 applebee's franchises. >> jon: i'm going to stop you right there. zane tankel? (laughter) that's who you want me to accept? zane tankel? no. no. (applause) zane tankel does not run an applebee's. zane tankel is an intergalactic bounty hunter who gets in fight with buck rogers. (laughter) i'm sorry, resume your interview with zane tankel. >> we won't build more restaurants. we won't hire more people. >> you run an applebee's. (laughter) here's a cost-cutting idea. don't serve your double-barrel whiskey fried creamy steak and chimichanga sliders in troughs. (laughter) not only should you provide your employees health care, you should be personally apologizing to our nation's physicians. (laughter) anybody else got a problem with it? >> papa john's c.e.o. says the company may have to reduce worker hours to save money on health care. >> jon: no, not a papa john's! (laughter) anybody but a papa john's! i'd wrather the paparazzi or the pa p.a. pa smear. (laughter) what's his problem? >> the c.e.o. says obamacare will cost
, gab be gab be heys. joining us now are senior women's issues correspondent kristen schaal. kristen, thank you so much for joining us. (cheers and applause) so here's what we're hearing now. single women, what they're saying is, vote democratic because they don't care about the future of america and only think about abortion. your thoughts on this? >> well, i was totally offended until a certain recent life event changed my priorities. (laughter) >> jon: oh, right, i'm sorry. i'm sorry. you got married this summer. congratulations. i heard you got married. (cheers and applause) that's nice. i heard it was great. i heard it was -- i heard it was a great wedding. i wasn't invited. >> no. (laughter). >> jon: um -- but you seem like the same person. >> (laughs) how dare you, jon? as soon as a groom, my groom, carried me across the threshold i felt something new exploding inside me. (laughter) and you know what that was? (laughter). >> jon: no, i don't, i'm not gonna -- >> it was concern for america's future. but single women vote with their vaginas, jon! and they only care about one iss
congratulate him on taking out osama bin laden. drones are being used in drone strikes and i support that entirely. and feel the president was right. i want to underscore the same point the president made. i felt the same as the president did. i supported his action there. absolutely the right thing to do to have crippling sanctions. (cheers and applause) >> jon: i think romney's leaning obama! (laughter) apparently romney is one of this year's coveted swing voters. look, how closely did mitt romney align himself with what had, i guess up until last night, been the worst foreign policy ever? listen to these guys duet on syria. >> i believe that assad must go. >> assad has to go. >> i don't want to have our military involved in syria. >> for us to get more entangled militarily in syria is a serious step. >> so the right course for us is working through our partners -- >> -- in consultation with our partners -- >> -- to identify responsible parties within syria. >> mobilizing the moderate forces. >> organize them. >> helping the operation organize. >> we need to make sure -- >> making
, the president of the u.s.a., the united states of arithmetic, nate silver will be joining us ( cheers and applause ) it was a big night last night. the big news, of course, president barack obama not just re-elected but seemingly given fresh batteries. >> we remain more than a collection of red states and blue states. ry are and forever will be the united states of america. and together, with your help, and god's grace, we will continue our journey forward. ( laughter ). >> jon: so that's all it took for to you get back in the groove was the fact that you never have to run for president again? ( laughter ) that's all it took? ( cheers and applause ) of course, on the other side, governor mitt romney broke the bad news to his supporters before reluctantly being asked to pose for his family's yearly christmas card. ( laughter ). that is a good-looking bunch. it's like they-- the people that came in the frames. across the nation, the people spoke, legalizing gay marriage in maine and maryland. legalizing marijuana in washington state, and colorado-- ( cheers and applause ) gay marriage.
to teach us all. - that's true. - hey, look. - [groaning] teacher, my partner is back on the bus. captioning by captionmax www.captionmax.com captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the daily show, thank you very much, my name is jon stewart. we have put together a program for this very evening. our guest tonight david nassaw, author of the new book, the patriarch, the remarkable life and turbulent times of one joseph p kennedy. i threw in the" of one ". (laughter) thought it gave it a little more historical authority. but i know what you are are thinking, are you thinking where the hell you have been, what dow get ten days off for thanksgiving? what are you, a student at a boarding school? (laughter) yes, we do get ten days for thanksgiving. and no, student at a boarding school. although i do sleep in a budget bed and i am on a field hockey team. (laughter) its with a very fun week off. i spent it like i always do. i track down the turkey president obama pardoned and i brought him to justice! (laughter) just because-- (cheers and applause) i brought him to just
, bob woodruff, he'll be joining us. now obviously new york still reeling from the affects of the superstorm this whole region. things are getting back to normal in small measures. this morning, in fact, crazy person was outside my window yelling we're all going to die! and it was mayor bloomberg was-- it was him. (laughter) and he wasn't talking about the storm. he was talking about transfats. (laughter) but so everything seems to be coming around. (laughter) i'm actually so proud of this area. still very thankful to be in soggy portion we areless new york. because, and this is true, you have to keep perspective n someplaces in this country, it's even worse. >> the candidates are spending so much time here it's as if they are running for president of ohio. >> residents are facing a daily onslaught of campaign ads, news stories, robo calls and mailers. >> you can imagine the hellish post apocalyptic reality where all you see are political ads? (laughter) >> jon: imagine it? i wrote a screenplay about it. clevelandfield. (laughter) jk an rams. sandy has devastated our region
, everybody, we'll check if with you guys later. anyway, it's been a harrowing couple of days for all of us. once again a huge debt of gratitude not only to first responders who have risked their lives to save others or-- as they call it-- going to work. (laughter) but also the m.t.a., power companies, phone companies, public officials, we thank you all tonight in our brand new segment "a daily show tribute to institutional competence." (cheers and applause) it's amazing! amazing! once you remove political and partisan gamesmanship from a situation performance improves dramatically. down the line government's been on top of its stuff, we'll start with n.y.c. mayor michael bloomberg. but, listen, i think we all agree if these cups were still legal -- (laughter). -- maybe the city would haven't flooded at all. (laughter) but that's not the point, that's not the point. the point is -- (cheers and applause) the point is mayor bloomberg kicked ass at his job and did in the two languages. (. >> (speaking broken spanish) (laughter). >> jon: all right. that may sound like what happens when you walk
>> stephen: thank you for joining us. thank you, nation. ( crowd chanting ) ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: i've got to tell you, with an ovation like that, you make me almost wish i stayed in this race. ( laughter ) folks, our top story tonight, it is my mother's birthday. and the "colbert report" can now project that lorna colbert is 92 years old. happy birthday, mom. of course there is one other story tonight. our continuing coverage of the 2012 election. excitement in the air is palpable and, folks, i cannot wait to palp it. tonight, we are live. ( crowd cheering ) >> stephen: thank you. okay, i'm sorry. jimmy, can we retake that, please? >> we can't, we're live. >> stephen: oh, we really are live. i thought i was just duping these rubes. lets cut out that part where i called these mouth breathers rubes. now let's get straight to our coverage. it is 11:33 eastern time on election night. at this point, the election is too close to call. anything can happen. romney could win, obama could win, and that's it. those two. but it could be a very long night and we will be live for
personally voted for mitt romney. so it's that single tweet is any indication, jon, get used to saying president romney because he's going to win tonight in a landslide. >> jon: that's fascinating. >> that just happened jon moments ago and i'm explaining it to you now in real time. this is only a start. the election center has full capabilities through a protest we call cross screen transferability which allows us to recontexturallize our real time info for monitorrization. jon, there's no denying that is now physically bigger, you can't deny that. [laughter] >> jon: it is bigger and appears to be somewhat useless. >> i'm not even done, jon. watch this. i found click, boom. okay, real time insta instagram. it doesn't even stop. i just tweak it again while simultaneously posting that image. so if you go to one of those places you can see this image, the one dwreur you'r you're seew here later somewhere else. don't tell me it's alive and kicking my friend. i will be here all night. [crowd cheering] >> jon: we've got an awful lot. we'll check back in with john oliver. the combination o
a number, you'll find out, that's wha what-- you should use that in one of your skits. (laughter) it's like seinfeld-- (laughter) so it's a little stressful. i like black friday. a lot of people don't like black friday, the day after thanks giving. i don't like it for the shopping. i like to do it because it is a great opportunity to take out the suppressed rage that my relatives help generate inside me. and then unleash that on complete strangers. (laughter) at a best buy, you know what i mean. so they know, i didn't pin the guy from the geek squad against the wall by his neck because i really cared they were out of 50 inch plasma tvs. i pinned him there because for some reason my family thought my brother-in-law cousin should carve the turkey that i spent all day cooking because he's been struggling. you know what? let me just say this-- you cook t you kferb carve it, jeff, that's just the way it [bleep] is. (cheers and applause) now all i need is to get a relative named jack. no. (laughter) anyway, enough about endless intractable struggles amongst people to share similar dna. let's talk
laugh in television to my mind, judge andrew napolitano will be joining us right over here. first, i want to let you people know i am a jew who is in to politics. ( cheers and applause ). been doing the show 15 years now. ( laughter ) speaking of which, ooh, i think we have a new middle east war brewing out there. that's late-breaking news. we'll have to deal with that when we get back. what's better than a middle east war. let's begin one more from the "where are they now?." you may remember mitt romney made a rather infamous statement that 47% of the country would not vote for him because they saw himself as victims, entitled-- housing, health care, from the government. as it turns out, much to his disappointment, barack obama was able to pick up four more percent of real america giving him the victory. of course romney walked back his 47% statement. >> in this case i said something that was just completely wrong, and i absolutely believe, however, that my life has shown that i care about 100%, and-- and that's been demonstrated throughout my life. >> jon: i believe him. ( laugh
to convince the candidates need to be court and women have rational creatures and men use just this organ here. the one i'm pointed too. [laughter] >> jon: for women life is just one big turnon, turn off, playboy questionnaire? >> that's what we use in place of resumes. we all fill them out when we turn 18 whether you get chosen to pose or not. >> jon: it seems like if that's the case it would be impossible to have a spirited debate. >> that's ridiculous you just need to be smarter about the staging. yes. [laughter] sh%mm that is a debate a lady >> jon: welcome back. tonight he's currently the president of these united states. please welcome back to the program, president barack obama. [cheers and applause] >> how are you? >> i'm good, how are you? good to see everybody. good to see you. >> jon: how are you? >> i'm doing great. before i do anything else i have to acknowledge we have amazing women warriors. we have a whole crew of veterans, i had nothing to do with this. the uso wanted to bring them here and a want everybody to give them a big round of applause. >> i do want to ask you this. i
that obama has been re-elected how have the john creators amongst us reacted. we turn to our deranged billionaire, john hodgman, john. >> oh, how dare you. >> jon: what. >> how dare you applaud me now after you shiftless moochers rejected everything that is good and right and wealthy in this world. >> jon: you're still up set that mitt romney lost. >> i don't know how, i don't understand why it happened, john. i mean we all agree that wealthy americans are the best americans. >> jon: well, not-- not everybody agrees with that. >> well, everybody one i know does and mitt romney was the wealthiest american, or at least the wealthiest who way willing to touch your hands and lift your babies. i mean romney was a rich man. and he wanted to be president watch. pore could he have done to earn your vote. i don't even know what is happening with this country any more, john. >> jon: did you just blow your nose with 100 dollar bill. >> i can't use a 50th, grant hair is too scratchy. >> jon: sorry, john. >> oh, you will will be sar i'm. you will all be sarree. you will regret crossing us job crea
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 79 (some duplicates have been removed)